I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
