Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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