Sponge bath it is.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
