Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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