I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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