It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
