i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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