he told me I talked like a deaf person
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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