based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
