trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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