I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
No more Irish car bombs ever.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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