Someone shit on the floor
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
