Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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