If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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