We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
