You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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