guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
