Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
