video games are the ultimate cock blocker
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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