i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
