I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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