If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
