i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Found the puke drawer
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
