i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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