so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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