they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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