my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
you never un-have a 4some
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
