checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
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