I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
