whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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