New low: just hacked my moms facebook
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
