The maid of honor just puked.
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize