My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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