You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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