If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
