He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize