I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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