My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i came on her dog
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize