ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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