This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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