I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
