Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
