So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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