My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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