This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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