did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
