i barfeds in our rink
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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