: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
