wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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