told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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