I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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