My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
