ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
