ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
