Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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