would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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