u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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